I’ve been carrying a lot of anger with me, grudges from heartbreaks in the past. Hell, I’ve been Mayor of Bittertown, USA for years now. I do have good reasons to be, but I don’t want to be anymore. I’m tired of being hurt and angry about things that happened in the past. I need to let go, but I can’t until I get some things off of my chest. Not negative vents, but public apologies and letters of forgiveness. These letters are my way of embracing the past, accepting that I can’t change it, learn from it and move forward. It doesn’t matter if the persons whom these letters are addressed to read them or not. Mostly, I just need to have said it out loud.
This is me moving on.
LETTER #1
Dear “The One Who Changed Everything”,
You took something from me without asking. You changed my life in a flash. I never knew how fast my life could turn upside down, how much damage could be done in one violent moment. All it took was that moment- the moment that is burned into my memory for all eternity- to change who I was my whole life and turn me into a stranger. This stranger would then go on to damage every relationship that could’ve possibly been, before it even had a chance to grow.
In this one moment, you took a strong, confident, independent woman and turned her into an insecure, scared little girl. You turned me into someone who would have the hardest time trusting a man again. You turned me into someone who would be so desperate to feel real love that she would grab hold of any potential so tightly it that it would crumble. You turned me into someone who was so scared to be hurt, to be looked at as nothing or not good enough that she sabotages relationships in order to feel something… anything. You confused me, you hurt me, and you took away my innocence. Worst of all, you walked away with a satisfaction. You left me there crying, thinking you gave me what I asked for. I didn’t ask to be a victim.
Well, I refuse to be one any longer. Being one has destroyed so much good in my life, destroyed so much potential love and friendship. I won’t let you control my life anymore. You were the last person to know the old me, the real me. But you will never get the chance to know the future me- the better me.
I forgive you for your ignorance, for your pride and your ego. For thinking you are God’s Gift. I forgive you for hurting me, for changing me. Because I am who I am now, I can’t change that. But I can change my future. I can change the outcome. I can stop people from you from hurting people like me. I know my real strength now, you tested it.
And you know what? I’m still here. I survived.
Sincerely,
"The Ghost of My Former Self"
LETTER #2
Dear “First Love”
For the first time ever, I fell in love. It surprised me and it scared me. I never did tell you that I loved you- like a girl, I assumed you would just know. Like a guy, you don’t know anything that goes on in a girl’s head unless they directly tell you. I should have told you, and I regret not telling you. But, honestly- it took me until just now to admit to myself that I was in love then. I’m not thinking that it would have changed what you did. But maybe if I had said it, I would’ve realized how stupid I was being.
You cheated. You lied. Although I didn’t know exactly how much, I knew you were doing both. I think if I would have said those 3 HUGE words, and seen the look on your face when I did- I would have walked away at that moment. It wouldn’t have taken months of drama, of dragging me away kicking and screaming. I wouldn’t have held on. I would’ve known that even though we really had something- something amazing and special, it wasn’t enough.
I’m not mad about it anymore, I don’t hate you. I don’t hate her. I really am happy for both of you, really, truly am.
It did hurt a lot for a long while; I had to work through a lot these last couple of years. My insecurities, distrust, and crazy clinginess only grew bigger after you left- something the next couple of guys who would try to be part of my life would unfortunately have to suffer through.
Most important, I forgive you. For you gave me a lot of good as well- not just great memories and lots of laughs, but you encouraged me to embrace who I really am. You were supportive of me during a huge life changing year, and I credit a big part of the person I am today (the good parts), to you. I truly believe that I wouldn’t have accomplished half of what I have recently if you had never believed in me. Thank you.
I guess you’ll always hold someplace, some part of my heart and mind, but from this moment on- when you cross my thoughts, it’ll only be fond memories, well wishes and support for you and whatever your future brings.
Love,
"No Longer Bitter"
LETTER #3
Dear “Tourist to Crazy Town”
Things started out so great, I hope you haven’t forgotten that. I enjoyed every minute that we spent together. You made me smile bigger than anyone ever had/has.
The first time we stayed up talking, we talked about all the reasons why we both were not in a place to develop anything serious. I should have listened to what you were saying- or listened better. I failed to see that you really did mean what you said even though your actions were opposite. I meant what I said too, and despite all my efforts not to (I tried really hard too) my feelings took a mind of their own and developed anyway.
You see, I thought that meeting you had “fixed” me. It was so easy to open up to you, to drop all the walls -To trust you. This was something I hadn’t been able to do in years, and didn’t think I’d ever be capable of doing again. I was ecstatic, but it wasn’t fair to you. My fear of losing something I didn’t think I’d ever find, and most of all my fear of never finding it again- gave life to a side of me I didn’t know existed.
I realize that I created a bigger relationship in my head than you were intending ours to be, but you did a lot to encourage it- I did not make the whole thing up. There was something real for a moment. The things you said to me, the way you treated me, looked at me- I really believed you were feeling the same as me. I saw what was and what could be and like the dreamer I am- I dreamt. I held onto that idea so tight, I refused to see when things changed. I pushed for something I knew you couldn’t give at the moment. I pushed too fast, too hard, and I know that I scared you. I saw the person I had turned into and I didn’t recognize her. She scared me too.
I didn’t realize where I was at the moment, but I’m sorry that I took you on my brief but thorough tour through Crazy Town.
I was hurt. I was angry. I felt like you had tricked me, strung me along, and messed with my head and heart- kept me around until it wasn’t convenient for you. Lied to me about the person you really were. And I had the right to feel these feelings, for while you knew what was going on in your head at all times- I had to guess. You would constantly switch between acting like a friend and something more, contradicting yourself so much that a lot of my frustration came from trying to keep up with your current state of feelings!
A lot of other things were going on in my life that you didn't know about, I didn't know how to tell you or how to deal with it myself- and they caused me to overreact to you hurting my feelings- and to this day, I’m embarrassed just thinking about it. The heart is uncontrollable and causes you do say some crazy things, and even though I know you didn't try too, I was a person whose heart you just broke. Not a crazy person. Not a nutcase. I didn’t deserve the things you said about me to other people.
Still, I want you to know that I’ve never hated you. Truth is I’ve only ever wished the best for you, and I’m so very happy for you and proud of you. I was just too hurt by the way you dealt with things and too embarrassed of my temporary insanity to be friends with you. But this is me saying I’m sorry for what I did, and that I forgive you for what you did. For me, this means I’ve pulled out a blank page for you, and although not yet, but one day, I do hope we can be what I still believe we were supposed to be from the start: friends.
Best Wishes,
"I’m Only Human"
